Despite the excuses and myths, alcohol does not cause domestic violence. Intimate partner violence is always a deliberate choice, a tactic to gain control.
Abusers are able to control their behavior - they do it all the time
Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to witness their behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but then lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone with them.
Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
Does this sound familiar? https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm and https://www.sublettesafv.org/